• Sally Smith

what the fuck am i doing?

Just like nature; the ebb and flow of the tide; the wax and wane of the moon; we have phases characterized by growth and expansion, and others defined by diminish and decline. The wavelengths of life let us ascend our peaks, but we’re always surprised when we start to descend down to our troughs. It’s only a pattern after all, and we know that the definition of pattern alone tells us that it will come around again. So why do we get so thrown off? Why after several months of evolution and ease am I suddenly questioning, “What the fuck am I doing?”

The material that I write about is my personal guiding principle in creating a life full of simplicity and joy. I view my surroundings through the lens of this theory, which enables me to practice perspective. I get knocked around, but I quickly reorient, and I manage to stay relatively sane. All it takes, however, is one trigger: be it a person, an event or a thought that bubbled up, that is able to seep into my finely maintained and groomed perspective and throw me totally and completely out of whack. That’s when we get blind-sided. You spin out of control, making it harder and harder to reorient yourself; to find, once again, that critical and powerful perspective of center where you can adjust your mirrors, set your sights forward and get yourself back on course.

A particular landlady set her sights on me and side-swiped me so hard that I started spinning. I am now questioning my living situation and terminating my lease. These situations happen all the time. We live in a world where the majority of it is out of our control, therefore, problems arise. That is the sole reason we practice orientation and reverberation, because shit gets out of hand sometimes, and we absolutely must learn to take care of ourselves.

So, my foundation is shook. The roof over my head has been besieged, and the thing about spinning out is if you can’t get yourself back in your own lane, you keep spiraling out of control. The shock of losing my house lead me to question my move to Boise, which lead me to question my teachings and my writing, but ultimately, lead me to ask myself quite literally, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Don’t worry, dear readers. The only reason I am writing this now is because I’m back in my own lane; I have a grip on the wheel. I still don’t know what I am doing, but I am in the right place. I have ideas, and plans, and projects, and an immense trust in my own karmic path. That’s been really big for me. I realize that this trust is an impeccable motivator. In the past, even when something has seemed like a misstep, I can look back and see the trajectory it put me on. I realize, however, that that sort of trust does not come naturally; it needs to be cultivated, therefore, I am profoundly grateful that this trust drives my mindset.

Universal design is made up of pattern. The intelligence of the Universe is undeniable, and therefore, dependable. I am a microcosm of this universal design because I am designed by the Universe. I am an extension of source made up of every infinite component. I’ve learned that awareness opens up the portal to understanding. Sometimes, you spin out so that you can change direction. Sometimes you spin out so that you realize an eternal lesson that’s just beneath the surface. There could be a million reasons for why something unkind happens to us, however, it’s not necessary that we pinpoint exactly what that reason may be. The practice is in developing an understanding for how a certain outcome might encourage our evolution.

Here’s what I’ve learned. Intuition is priceless. Learn not only to recognize it, but to follow it. I’m a rambler; I get bored and restless and I require freedom. My present situation should encourage and nourish that. I’ve made an incredible friend, where intuition introduced us as roommates. I feel confident to say that I understand my place in this world and I know the direction in which I am headed. It’s simply the next year or two that is ambivalent.

There’s safety in certainty, but excitement in discovery. I think I’ll spend some time in the unknown. I’m safe so as long as I have a solid foundation; a place to live and money to afford the essentials. Once my structure is set, I am able to put in the work: help others, foster community, learn and grow. I have the freedom to teach and travel, maybe I’ll do that. Life is about ascension, towards achievement and evolution. Discovery takes you upward.

Stagnation happens. It’s part of the ebb and flow; the waxing and waning; the wavelengths of life. Mistakes and missteps are never what you think. Regression isn’t real, because you never move backwards. Experience encourages growth. When anxiety overcomes you, remember that we are nature and nature is patterned. When deep in the troughs, remember that it is physically unfeasible for you not to ascend to you peaks. Even when you feel utterly lost, with no plan or project on the horizon, you’re not lost. Trust in your karmic path; know that your soul knows exactly what it’s doing. If you learn to recognize and follow intuition and trust the divine order, things have a tendency to work themselves out in finely manufactured way.