mission of validation

It’s a twofer kind of day because I've been doing a lot of inner work and personal contemplation. If you read the last post, then you know I’ve been struggling with the “how” to do this trip, but let me first tell you about how I even determined the “what.”

Before I go to bed at night, I’ve been getting into the habit of asking the deepest levels of my psyche for a helpful dream. This was about a month ago. I had just finished my book and was soliciting it to publishing houses, but overall it felt very done and that chapter of my life felt very over. In my never-ending thoughts for the future, I had my eyes on a grad school in San Francisco and a week-long road trip approaching so that I could get out of town and get to know the Bay Area while I was at it. But other than that, it’s still quarantine, I’m still on unemployment, and I still don’t really know what will ultimately come next.

So that particular night, I asked my psyche for a helpful dream about my direction. The dream, while some parts vivid, was still a dream—fragments of me mapping out a route to the ocean, me talking to a man about religion and how he likes to “bend the rules.” I won’t go into the dream because, although dreams are incredibly fun adventures for the sleeper, you can never replicate that kind of unconscious adventure to a conscious listener. I’ll skip ahead. I woke from the dream “knowing” that I would go on some sort of spiritually infused road trip. I would talk to people along the way and try to come up with some kind of message about the state of the world or the country. Perhaps I’d write a second book. I knew this for certain as if the idea was inserted in my mind. I couldn’t fall back asleep because I was already planning the details.

About three months earlier, I had another big idea—one that didn’t pan out the way that I had hoped—but an idea nonetheless that looked eerily similar to this one where I would have to forego my lease and sell all my stuff. So I had to tread carefully. I used this upcoming trip to the Bay as a trial run to see if I could handle life on the road.

Well, I drove through the Bay Area—disgusting. I drove through Berkeley, Pacifica, and Sausalito—beautiful in some ways, too similar to my life in LA that I left behind, too douchey, too urban. I did, however, find an incredible oasis away from it all just north of San Francisco on the Tomales Bay in Marin County. In an ideal world, I’d live there and commute to grad school a few times a week. In a realistic world, it’s likely that it'll burn down.

Okay, so this trial run wasn’t going great but at the same time, I was reading this book that was validating my every move through its pages despite the outside world around me counteracting my plans.

Let me go back. Spirit comes to you through people, places, and things. It always finds a way. I was gifted this book almost a year ago and until the day before I left on this trip, I hadn’t given it a second thought. On that day, I felt the urge to bring it along, knowing nothing about it but feeling that because my therapist had given it to me, it’s usually a good indicator that spirit wants me to read it.

So the book was “spirit-reason-number-two,” “spirit-reason-number-one” being the dream. The ideas in my mind and the validations from this book fit together like puzzle pieces. But it wasn’t enough for me. I was already coming off of this other “big idea” and I felt like I needed stacked evidence before I could tell others what I was planning. Unfortunately, I’m massively afraid of judgment and I cater to personal doubt. I needed one more “sign” and that would be my final indication.

This is what I told myself and thus, all the guides and spirits associated with me—“if I am going to set forth on some wild road-trip with the intent to write a book out of it, it would certainly be nice if I had any accreditation.” I was overlooking the Tomales Bay when I got the email that my manuscript had been accepted and I received the offer of a contract.

Ok cool! I feel totally vindicated and confident in my actions! Unfortunately, it's never that easy. I went home, and I immediately set up an appointment with my therapist so he could tell me if I was being crazy, because apparently, “one more sign” still wasn’t enough. Doubt is so sinister. Choosing to do the crazy and unorthodox is not an easy thing. You guys might think, “oh that Sally, she’s such a free spirit!” I’m not. I’m literally in a prison of my own making. I’ve chosen a path and a life where I trust spirit above all else. Where half the world, much of my hometown and upbringing included, thinks I’m batshit. This isn’t easy. So yes, I needed my final “spirit-reason-number-four” to give me that last quick hit of validation and then I told the world. This spurred on the Instagram, the mass following, the launch of my heady website and this blog.

Bey hey, I’m still kind of freaking out. So for me, and I am not condoning this for anyone else, I needed a little “plant-infused-meditation”—a technique gifted to me from one of my best friends and bio-genius. Here’s how it happened…

Yesterday morning, I was putting together the platform for the bed in my van and it didn’t go as planned. I was already premenstrual and on the verge of tears, when I went on my walk and listened to The Daily, about ‘How Climate Migration Will Reshape America’—another recommendation from another genius friend. Naturally, I cried and cried (this is why I always wear sunglasses on my walks even when it's overcast), and then I got angry. It’s not uncommon for my news-paired walks to take this turn. Here I am, so ready to give up any semblance of normalcy that I can grasp onto during a fucking global pandemic in order to go on a spiritual mission for no known reason. It was a weird morning and the negativity was influencing my perceptions on my personal life and what I had planned. It's frustrating going off intuition all the time, I needed something a little more concrete. So, I had a little help.

And yes, I tripped a little bit. You can read more about my feelings about plant-based medicine here. And of course, I already knew what I was after. I had just complicated it so much with planning and expanding this seedling of an idea. I forgot, once again, that the answer is always quite simple.

It’s already quite a vulnerable thing in letting others come along on a spiritual journey. Most times you hear about these experiences after the fact, when all the pieces have lined up and the answers are clear. Spirit likes to take its time. Spirit also likes to change its mind depending on the paths and actions that I choose to take. It’s forever fluid. So for now, I feel good now, I have a better grip on the wheel. I still don’t know what I am doing, but I think that’s the point.

Note the haze from the California Wildfires. Photo taken: 9/21/2020

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